September has become my favorite month because along with the start of autumn, September is also home to my anniversary month. We have been married a year which may not seem long, but it is hard for me to remember life without my husband. I cannot begin to express with written words what he means to me and I have yet to find spoken words that can properly represent my feelings towards my husband.
Often times late at night when we are cuddled in bed just about to doze off or when I am looking through old photographs of our laughing faces and rosy cheeks conjuring up memories of wonderful times we spent together I get these pains that reverberate through my very core. The root of this pain is heinous disease that stands in the way of watching our love evolve as we grow old and grey and wise. How I would love to hold my husband's hand when it is wrinkled and covered in soft, tan liver spots. I would love to touch the soft papery feel of his skin that is so unique to those who have seen more than I ever will. I want to pluck each other's grey hairs just to watch 4 grow in its place. I want to get to the point that plucking grey hairs is a humerous impossibility lest we lose all the hair on our heads. I want to watch how we persevere through slow and achy joints and trouble getting off the couch because our knees have done it a few too many times. I want to hold my husband when wrinkles have overtaken our youthful beauty. I wish these things on all I have, but if wishing made things true we would never have to deal with the merciless killer residing in my body.
I find myself feeling I must fit all the years of "I love you" and "You are my world" or "I would give anything to spend the rest of my life in your arms" into the years we do have. I want to bombard his heart with all my words of love so when I am gone he will still have a lifetime's worth of my words. I want to be sure that when I am gone he will never for a second doubt how much he means to me and how badly I wanted us to have a forever after. I find I sometimes miss him knowing I will be leaving him too soon and so I wrap my arms around him just a little bit tighter and snuggle close just a little bit longer and whisper "I love you" for the 100th time that week so that I can bring his memory with me into eternity.
This was beautifully written and it made me cry as I feel many of the same emotions. I will say that in the past year, I have decided to start believing that I will be here into my 70s and 80s. Maybe it's not true, but you know what, maybe it is. There is an 82-year-old man alive right now with this disease, and he's still doing ok. With the funding and support CFF gets, we may be the first ones to experience a cure for this disease. I refuse to believe that I won't get to see my husband when he's grey and wrinkly. Maybe it's naive of me, but it's the only way I can keep a positive attitude!
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I don't think we should ever stop the extra cuddling and the dozens of "I love you"s because no one knows what tomorrow brings for ANY of us. Love is so important to recognize and embrace.
Megan- There are days that I really think I might live a long time too. Maybe I won't make it to 80, but I would like to stick around as long as possible. I do worry with how much harder I have to work now compared to even 5 years ago. It is daunting to think how hard I will have to work at my health in 5 more years. Part of me doesn't want to get my hopes up too high in case life doesn't work out that way. I have good days and bad days on how I feel about my CF and future, but I do feel more hopeful with all the new inhaled meds getting closer to finishing clinical trials though! Thanks for your comment!
ReplyDeleteI had to comment on this again because I just finished The Time Traveler's Wife. I don't know if you've read it, but regardless it made me read your post again and I sat here crying like a baby. Like I said before, I don't live my life thinking this disease is going to take me out (I don't think I can mentally), but I still find myself thinking the same thoughts...I can't say I love you too much and my husband and I can never have enough time together. I just wanted to tell you that after reading that book and with recent events in the CF community, I found myself 100% understanding where you come from in this post. It is beautifully written and you capture what so many of us feel at one point or another. Thank you so much for posting it.
ReplyDeleteI have not read that book yet so I will absolutely pick it up! I have tried to explain how I feel to nonCFers and I always get the same, "Well, any of us could die tomorrow. I could get hit by a truck. You never know" answer. It is so different when it seems your immortality is so present in your everyday life. I don't think most people walk around worried about getting hit by a truck, but CFers know everyday when we do our treatments or our mucus gets darker or we feel a little off that we have a life threatening disease. A constant reminder to feel grateful for the ones we love and sometimes sorrow for the the disease we have been given.
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