September has become my favorite month because along with the start of autumn, September is also home to my anniversary month. We have been married a year which may not seem long, but it is hard for me to remember life without my husband. I cannot begin to express with written words what he means to me and I have yet to find spoken words that can properly represent my feelings towards my husband.
Often times late at night when we are cuddled in bed just about to doze off or when I am looking through old photographs of our laughing faces and rosy cheeks conjuring up memories of wonderful times we spent together I get these pains that reverberate through my very core. The root of this pain is heinous disease that stands in the way of watching our love evolve as we grow old and grey and wise. How I would love to hold my husband's hand when it is wrinkled and covered in soft, tan liver spots. I would love to touch the soft papery feel of his skin that is so unique to those who have seen more than I ever will. I want to pluck each other's grey hairs just to watch 4 grow in its place. I want to get to the point that plucking grey hairs is a humerous impossibility lest we lose all the hair on our heads. I want to watch how we persevere through slow and achy joints and trouble getting off the couch because our knees have done it a few too many times. I want to hold my husband when wrinkles have overtaken our youthful beauty. I wish these things on all I have, but if wishing made things true we would never have to deal with the merciless killer residing in my body.
I find myself feeling I must fit all the years of "I love you" and "You are my world" or "I would give anything to spend the rest of my life in your arms" into the years we do have. I want to bombard his heart with all my words of love so when I am gone he will still have a lifetime's worth of my words. I want to be sure that when I am gone he will never for a second doubt how much he means to me and how badly I wanted us to have a forever after. I find I sometimes miss him knowing I will be leaving him too soon and so I wrap my arms around him just a little bit tighter and snuggle close just a little bit longer and whisper "I love you" for the 100th time that week so that I can bring his memory with me into eternity.