Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Open Letter To Friends With Babies

Dear Mommy Friends,

My daughter is approaching 5 months and to the shock and confusion of many of you my sweet daughter has never left my sight for more than 30 minutes while awake, she has never had a bottle, and has slept in my bed from the day I brought her home. My kind hearted friends, you try to tell me that I should teach Kaylee to drink from bottles so my husband can do some feedings. "You need alone time," "You could sleep while your husband does a feeding", "You could have your mom watch her for a few hours," some of you say. Many of you don't understand why I choose to bedshare. "Isn't it harder to sleep?" "Doesn't she wake more often?" Don't you want her to sleep through the night?" Many of you ask. You don't understand my lack of need for alone time, you don't understand why I feel no need to rush my daughter into being independent.

This is what you don't know my dear friends. When you spend your life believing that your biggest dream is completely and utterly unattainable and somehow magically that dream comes true, you never ever want to let it go. You spend every morning in awe that you achieved the impossible and you don't want to miss one second of living out your dreams.  I know many of you have wanted children your whole life and some of you struggled to conceive so you may have some idea why I feel the way I do. And yet it is so much more complicated than that. I know I was able to achieve my lifelong dream and I wake up everyday beyond grateful to have my daughter, but unlike you my friends, who still feel as if death is so far from reality that it never crosses your mind. I know that I stand much closer to my own demise than I would like.

I know I will likely leave my precious daughter much before either of us is ready. I know there is a chance I will miss her high school graduation, college graduation, her wedding day, her children. I want to spend as much time with her as I can while I am still healthy and very much alive. I want to ensure that my love is ingrained in her soul so that even though she will not remember these days she will remember the way I made her feel. I don't want my husband to give her a bottle even during the wee hours of the morning. I would rather her lay in my arms, feeling the softness of my skin against her skin, breathing the soft scent of my milk, my sleepiness. I want her to feel my hands stroking her hair and I want her drift to sleep to the sound of my heart. She will not remember nursing, but I hope when I pass she will still feel the warmth, love, and nourishment my body provided her. I don't want to go out shopping for the day while she stays with someone else. I want to laugh with her as she plays with her toys and makes her silly faces. I hope when I am gone she will remember the melody that the two of us made when we laughed together. I don't want to transition her to her crib, I would rather sleep with her in my bed,wrapped in my arms, dreaming side by side. I hope when she is older and I am gone she will feel the comfort my arms once provided her as she drifts off to sleep all the way until the sun comes up in the morning.

So dear friends, I know you have my best interest in my mind. I know you are looking out for me and want me to be happy. But you must understand that my daughter makes me happy and I know in my heart that what I am doing is what will bring me the most joy and peace in my life. I do not judge your shopping days away from baby, your alone time, date nights or that you are working hard to make sure baby doesn't disturb your sleep in the night, but our realities are so drastically different. And I appreciate your suggestions, but I don't feel like I am missing out on anything I will regret when my lungs give out and my body can no longer hold the little girl I spent my whole life waiting for.

18 comments:

  1. IH, this post made me tear up. This is absolutely beautiful, and resonated with me so much! The one aspect of CF I have always had the absolute hardest time facing up to is the idea of leaving my children before I and they are ready. :( I probably won't do things quite the same way you are (mostly because my health issues are different and will limit the way I do some things), but I can totally understand the deep emotion and love in this post. Your little one is going to feel SO loved as she grows up - and I hope that mine will too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think any mother can ever except leaving their children while they are young. I am absolutely positive your little one will feel incredibly loved!!

      Delete
  2. Just cried reading this post...full out sobbing tears. I don't think you could have said it any better. The one thing that has always scared me is co-sleeping simply because I am a heavy sleeper and I don't want to hurt the baby. BUT, I plan on having my sweet baby in our room for quite awhile. And I don't know that I'll be able to let others hold him/her when he/she is born.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually think I'd like to try cosleeping but we only have a queen sized bed, and my husband, ahem, likes to take up a lot of that space as it is, ha! ;)

      Delete
    2. Megan- I know a lot of people aren't comfortable bed-sharing, but I worry about her so much more when she is NOT in our bed! My husband and I were super heavy sleepers before Kaylee came along, but I am super in tune to every move she makes.

      Cindy- We have a queen too, but my husband is good at staying on his side!! haha

      Delete
    3. NOT mine. I am a little worried that when I get to be 7+ months pregnant there will no longer be room for me in the bed, LOL!!!

      Delete
  3. Awesome post IH!! I love all the emotion in here. I had an emotional breakdown for a little bit a week ago when I was holding Alayna. I just thought how unfair it is that Alayna has to have a dad that has this disease. But I quickly said I will be even more determined than ever before to take of myself so I can see her grow up and be there for all the important milestones in her life!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is hard to feel like your health is something that will negatively impact the person you love more than anything in the world. I agree that it gives me inspiration to stay as healthy as humanly possible!

      Delete
  4. Yay for breastfeeding, co-sleeping mama's! I got a lot of grief for the way I did things with Morgan but to this day, I wouldn't change a thing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do have a couple friends that co-sleep, but most of my friends think I am crazy. I actually think anyone who doesn't get to nuzzle and snuggle their sleeping baby all night is kinda missing out :)

      Delete
  5. I felt the same way about my babe when he was little. Even now that he is almost a teenager I hate being away from him. We are the best of friends. I held my son more than anyone else (I was selfish). I breathed in his smell as much as I could.

    Enjoy your time with your sweet baby. They grow up much too fast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I think CF moms know what a gift we were given and know how life is much too short so we don't take a single day for granted!! I haven't been a mom long yet, but I agree that they grow much too quickly!

      Delete
  6. I havent been on Blogger in two years (I really want to get back when I get my power back) but you post made me teary and I just had to sign on and comment. Most of my friends don't get the BF, cloth diaper, baby wearing thing either. I'm proud that Kaeli has never had a bottle and that I am the only one that can actually soothe her when she is upset. Too many people rush baby hood these days. And I know from my boys how quickly the day comes you have to say goodbye when you drop them at school. Stay strong and fight hard.

    oh, and we have a queen also and there have been plenty of nights when my husband gives up and moves to the couch bc all three of my kids have found their way into our bed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Karen you are such an asset to the CF community. I hope you do start blogging again. I agree that at least in our culture there is such a huge push to rush babyhood and make sure your kids are independent as soon as possible. I love the thought of you snuggling all three kids in bed some mornings. How cute!

      Delete
  7. Do you have an email? Sometimes I would love to have a longer discussion than just leaving comments. Mine is montessoribeginnings@yahoo.ca

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do! InhalingHopeCF@gmail .com I only use this e-mail for my blog so I don't check it everyday because honestly, people rarely e-mail me :) But I do check it, just know if I don't write back right away I am not ignoring you!!

      Delete