It has become so apparent that my life is so vastly different than these dear friend's lives. When we were single we seemed very similar and even with the changes of marriage and pregnancy we seemed so much the same. We had similar careers and hobbies. You would think experiencing motherhood together would make it seem as if we could completely relate to one another and yet, we can't.
It became apparent when I went to visit a dear friend and her 2 week old son. Kaylee was 3.5 months old and I was the veteran mom of the two of us. I went to help my new mom friend as we all know the weeks after a new baby are a fuzzy blur of awe, sleeplessness, confusion, and intense love. I said I would be there around 11:30. I spent the entire morning rushing around trying to get to her house on time. Between bathing the baby, myself, an hour of treatments that were interrupted by a much needed nap, trying to eat breakfast and later a snack, I made it to her house just a few minutes late.
When I arrived she opened the door showered and with make-up on. Her house was completely spotless and she looked well rested. I was a little taken aback because when I had a two week old I remember being tired, the house being a mess, and showers were no longer the daily norm. "How are you doing?" I asked. She responded that she was doing great and that they had spent the morning in bed. In fact, she had just gotten up about 30 minutes prior to our arrival. There was a buzz from down the hall and she ran to get a load of laundry. I am pretty sure my jaw and heart dropped at this point.
I felt like a failure. It had taken me all morning to get out of the house. My home was cluttered and I had a pile of laundry that needed to be done days ago. I should have my act together, I should be the one helping a poor new mom adjust to the demands of a new baby and yet I felt as if I might need her to come and help me out! Oh, my self esteem went down a few notches that day. And yet...
As I thought more about the stark contrast between the two of us later that evening I came to a few realizations. As a person with CF I will never be able to compare myself to nonCFer. And just as I will never measure up to someone that didn't have CF, someone without CF will never understand what it is like to be a CF mom. Here are some of the many reasons I should never compare myself to a non-CF mom:
- I will never be able to get up 30 minutes before someone's arrival because I have at least an hour of treatments to get done not to mention shower, dress, eat, and get the baby ready. So when someone shows up I may not look very rested because I have been up for hours getting ready for the day.
- I spend 2.5 hours a day hooked up to machines and coughing. Other women can spend this time cleaning, baking, or making themselves look pretty. Unless I want to ignore my child all day I will never have as much time to tidy up the house or myself as my nonCF counterparts.
- I may be a little extra tired because my body is already working harder just to breath so that lack of sleep and those night wakings are even harder on my body than that of a healthy mom.
- I need to eat and I need to eat a lot! Being a breastfeeding CFer means I need a lot of calories and so it may be okay for a nonCF mom to skip a meal here and there it just can't happen when you have CF.
- My life will never be like theirs. Like, motherhood my health is a full time job and I never get a day off or a vacation.
I need to change my attitude and look at how well I am doing as a CF mother. I need to remember that I am not the normal stay at home mom, but one that has a chronic condition that requires lots of time and energy. I need to be proud of myself and all I have been able to do despite CF. And yet, it is so hard on days like today, when I am still catching up on laundry, have yet to get dinner started, and need to run the dishwasher so I can load it with the dishes in the sink, to get a phone call from my fellow stay at home mom (of a 1 month old) saying she has been baking all day and wanted to drop off some baked goods. Sigh!
It's also not just a CF thing. We are constantly comparing ourselves as mothers and most times not coming out on top. I've come to the conclusion that it's more of a priority thing. Some people put priorities on keeping up appearances while others put all of their time and energy into enjoying and experiencing every minute of their child. I think we both fit into the second catagory because we know what a gift it is to be able to have a child in the first place. Also good for you for keeping up with all your treatments. I've been really bad lately.
ReplyDeleteThat is a great point! I think I spent the first 2 weeks doing skin to skin with my daughter pretty much all day everyday. I look back at our first hazy weeks and have fond memories of our snuggle time. In the end I will remember the moments I spent with my daughter not the baked goods I made in her first month of life. I think you said exactly what I needed to hear!
DeleteHey my cyster! I know how you feel but I guess not in the sense of being a mommy cfer but now i am a daddy cfer. Our house is a disaster since we came home with Alayna. Dishes pilled up I cooked dinner for my wife one night other nights we got food out to eat. My treatment schedule is all off. Yea as I sit here its approaching 2 am usually I have this stuff done by midnight. But I will get on a schedule soon!!! Last night we had an all nighter up till 5 am didn't sleep for over 24 hours but I managed to get my treatments in.
ReplyDeleteIH be proud of what you have accomplished I know its hard to not compare ourselves but we are all different. Even CFers are all different. Keep on Keeping on cyster. Just want you to know that I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. Thats the only way you will be able to here for your daughter.
Oh so by the way you asked for my email on my blog. Did you have a question?
I am glad we weren't the only ones! As far as treatments, I totally understand! The new baby brings so many changes and I often think about how much easier it would be and how much more sleep I would get if I didn't have treatments, but ultimately we are doing it for our kids! I am so excited to see what it is like to be a CF parent from a father's perspective.
DeleteBoy, I hear ya! Even without a kid, I feel like I struggle to keep life moving in a smooth and orderly fashion. I have to remind myself just how many hours each day I dedicate to taking care of myself (between therapy, exercise, eating right, and getting enough rest/sleep) - it's a pretty significant amount of my day! When my husband was in school, there was one semester when he was off school and only working part time. It was amazing to me that by the time he got home from his job, I was only JUST barely finishing up my "morning routine" (nebs, exercise, shower, breakfast, etc.). It was a good perspective to have - it helped show me just how much extra work this disease is! I know that when this baby comes, I will probably consider myself lucky if we're all fed, reasonably clothed, and alive at the end of the day. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd it's true - most people just CAN'T understand!
In the very beginning I was usually happy as long as baby was dressed, fed, clean, and alive! :)
DeleteEven though I don't have a kid I can relate to this post so much! Some days you just feel like a failure cause everyone seems to be able to hold it all together or get more done, but we have to remind ourselves how much more we have to do in a day then someone without CF. There really is no way to fairly compare the two lives. I love you & am so glad you're loving motherhood (:
ReplyDeleteYou are so right that it is hard not to feel like we aren't keeping up, baby or not. We really can't compare ourselves to anyone else, but it is easy to forget that!!
DeleteThank you, I really do love being a mom :)
I just came across your blog from Jenny Livingsto's blog. I can completely relate. I'm often comparing myself to friends or sis in laws. I keep trying to learn not to do this. No good can come from it. Comparing ourselves to anyone is always going to make us feel as though we are lacking. We compare our worst with there best. Good luck with everything. Just keep keepin on.
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by! You are absolutely right that no good comes from comparing ourselves to others. I really try not to compare, but it is easier said than done :)
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