October 8th was a day that will be etched into my heart forever. This is a journal entry from one year ago today.
There are certain moments that take our world, our lives, our very existence and rearrange them so drastically that our current selves, our current lives will never resemble our former selves again. These changes affect everything we think, we do, we believe. For me on the morning of October 8, 2011 two small occurrences altered my whole entire existence and I know for sure my life will never be the same.
I woke up at 8:30 feeling refreshed even after falling into bed at 1:00 am the night before. I didn't feel groggy or tired or have any desire to stay in bed for even a moment longer for the first time since I could remember.
No, today was different, I had a mission. I needed the truth and I needed it as soon as possible even if it left me empty and hollow when I was through. The risk of the mission came from the fact that it could end so beautifully and yet it never did, leaving me cold and broken on the floor among dying dreams and fruitless wishes. I pulled my body out of the bed walking across the floor painted with sun beams from the early morning. The air was crisp and the carpet was cold against my rested feet. I woke up with a full bladder. It was the first time in a week that my bladder didn’t pull me out of bed at hours that only the moon is supposed to see. I pushed open the bathroom door and it was there in the tiny apartment bathroom, among the leaking ceiling, the cracks in the walls, and the sink that never drained right my life was forever changed.
Two bright and happy pink lines appeared in the pregnancy test window filling my heart with a joy I have never known before. The welling of excitement bubbled from my chest to throat to my mouth. “Oh my god!” slipped from my lips first in disbelief, almost a question. It escaped again and again until it came out in a happy rush because I finally believed it to be true, “Oh my god!”
In an instant I clutched my now occupied womb to speak to the child I have been wanting since as long as I could remember. Thoughts ran through my head so quickly it made me dizzy. My husband at work was oblivious to the life altering news I had just discovered which left me with this secret between me and my baby. The two of us shared our first secret, out first moment that nobody else could share. I felt an instant bond to my baby that only I knew existed.
The thoughts and questions come so quickly it makes me dizzy. I wonder if my baby will be a boy or a girl. Will my baby have my husband’s dark hair or my light hair? Will I be healthy throughout pregnancy? I think of CF and all I need to do to prepare for this child by taking care of my lungs. I think of the books I need to buy. I think of the things I promised myself I would do. I need to buy more fruit and I need to make sure I am eating for my baby and not for myself anymore. I feel mother’s guilt for the first time in that I told myself I would not drink caffeine and yet I did. I feel excited that I can feel mothers guilt because I am a mother!!
I touch my breasts knowing that they instinctively are preparing for the baby as women’s breasts have done throughout the existence of human kind. They knew before I did, preparing to nurture this child of mine before his or her existence was in my realm of knowing. I think for once how beautiful and amazing my body is, to create a life without my knowing. Despite the fact that my body can’t clear out my excess mucus or properly digest the food I consume this broken body can create a life and be a safe home for a new soul. I am powerful and strong. I am a mother!