I feel as if I am picking up the fragments of my life and starting over...finally. My body was broken from being so sick and so I am starting new. It is frustrating to go so far backwards, to feel as if you lost everything you gained. I feel beaten and low, but I am slowly crawling back to where I used to be. I just received a shipment of Ensure again. It feels slightly like a defeat after a year and a half including a pregnancy and breastfeeding without needing them, but here I am desperate for calories, to gain weight.
Tomorrow morning I am going to try to get into the pool again. It seems funny now how just a few months ago I was trying to increase my speed of swimming a mile in the pool because I now feel afraid to try a single lap. I need to build my endurance, my power, my lungs. I know the laps may be in slow motion with breaks between, but I need this for my health, my life, my daughter.
To lose everything you worked for in a matter of days and requiring months to rebuild it seems cruel at best, but the sickness underestimated my will to be well and I will do everything I possibly can to get back to where I once was.