14 days of sickness. 14 days of fevers that left me shivering and useless in bed. 14 days of coughing until I saw little stars dancing around my eyelids. 14 days of an insatiable need for sleep. So many times during these past 14 days I have longed for them to disappear. I found myself thinking, I wish it were next week when this sickness will be behind me. When I can feel more myself than I feel now. But as I was wishing away the days my little girl was growing older. Her beautiful blonde hair was filling in almost daily, getting thicker and longer. She started sitting on her knees or squatting which I hadn't noticed before. Even her eyes seemed to be changing to a new shade of blue.
I realized that these precious days with my 8 month old, despite being filled with sickness, were fleeting and beautiful. And I have found beauty in my sickness.
There was beauty in the days I couldn't get out of bed and my husband would crack open the bedroom door letting light fill my darkened room. He would set Kaylee in the bed where she would quickly crawl to me, cold hands and feet finding their way against my skin. Her warm mouth searching for her source of nourishment. She would drink until she was drowsy and we would drift off into sleep together. There was beauty in the day that Kaylee sat completely still in my arms watching the birds dance wildly in the raindrops, her eyes fixated on their every move. There was beauty in the morning that neither of us felt like crawling out from the warm covers and she layed next to me, latched on, but not drinking looking around the room lost in thought. There was beauty when I sat in the corner of the living room unable to get up and move around the house, and my silly little girl made goofy faces and funny noises until we were both laughing.
Not everyday is perfect, in fact the last 14 have been as far from perfect as I can imagine, and yet, there is beauty in everyday. There is even beauty in sickness.
I really appreciated this beautifully written entry. Finding positive among the negative is something I've been really trying to work on. It's very special to be able to find those fleeting moments of beauty, as you described them, and not many people can overcome such negativity and obstacles to do so. You should feel proud of yourself for being able to rise above your crummy situation and walk away with the positives of the situation.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you find yourself feeling better though. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts! Sending some happy, healthy, mendy vibes to you.
Thank you for your kind words! I was getting really down in the dumps that I was missing so much of my daughter and I felt like she was growing up while I was sleeping the days away. I am not going to lie I cried a lot in those 14 days feeling like I was a failure as a mother.
ReplyDeleteWhen I realized my sickness may not be ending soon I decided that I needed to start to enjoy being with my baby regardless of the circumstances. With that being said, I still cried yesterday when my fever came back so I am *trying* to find happiness and beauty in the tough times, but I am still getting caught up in feelings of sadness and frustration.
Thank you for the mendy vibes :) those are my favorite kind!
Well it seems like you practice what I try to preach. I have told so many people in life to find a positive in every situation. It seems that you have done that but I know this has really hit you hard. I am hoping that you get back to your 100% self soon IH!!
ReplyDeleteYou cannot look at failing at all as a mother. Being a mother is never a failure. You were given the gift to be a mom and that is something that no one could ever take away from you.
I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts! Get better soon cyster :)
Thank you so much for your support, John. I am hoping to be back to 100% soon. I think I am at about 60%...better than nothing, right?
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