This past year has been brutal and I seem to get knocked down over and over just as I am getting up from my last blow. It seems every time I start to get better I know for sure that this time, yes this time, I am finally getting back to my old self. I am positive that my health is turning around and this crazy year of sickness will be behind me, a distant and horrible memory. And then. And then I find myself sick, in pain, and feeling hopeless all over again
Since getting the flu last February I was hopeful I would bounce back. Why wouldn't I have been, I always bounce back. A quick dose of orals or a few weeks of IVs always brings me back to my old energetic self. And yet, this time I didn't bounce back. It has been over a year and I have yet to get my lung function and weight back, and I get sick so frequently I wonder where my wonder woman immune system ran off to. I have never had a CF flare up knock me off my feet before. I have never known this side of the disease before. I have heard of people with CF getting hit so hard they can't recover, but that just wasn't me, that wasn't my CF. I always bounce back, right? Right?
This realization that sometimes CF doesn't allow you to bounce back and sometimes it does get the best of you makes me wonder where do you draw the line between being hopeful and being in denial? At what point do you admit your body is tired and weak and that CF is starting to get the best of your life? When is it time to make plans for the future that may or may not include you? When do you ignore your fears and stay strong telling yourself that one day you will be healthy again? How many times can you take the disappointment of believing things will turn around and they don't?
I seem to be stuck bouncing around between denial and hope. I have days I feel hopeless and lost and as if this disease has already taken the best of me. I have days that I think we just need to find the silver bullet, that the answer is out there we just haven't found the right combination to get my health back.
I don't want to live in denial, but I just cant accept this as my fate, yet. I know CF is progressive and I know where this journey will take me, eventually. But oh I am so not ready to believe I am there yet. So maybe this is denial at its finest, but I will keep fighting and trying and hoping that tomorrow may bring a little bit of good news and that tomorrows will keep coming.